July 18th, 2010 
adminThis Bukky girl dey try my patience seriously o. Anybody that knows the girl should warn her o.
Shey una remember Bukky now? ehen. I no get liver for some certain things but for some other sturvs like person wey wan put sand sand for my Garri i go vex o.
I was at work and it was one of those really crazy days where everything just comes at you the moment you walk in the door. As i just sat my Juicy ass down that’s how one of my Oyinbo Oga’s started shouting and asking me for this, for that, igba awo. I just look am with one kain eye like that say (For my mind o) Ode. You don carry all your Salary go give Pastor Synagogue you come dey open eye for me here. Idiot. How a normal human being would leave his house in Ikoyi and travel down to one Synagogue Church for Ikotun-Egbe beats my imagination mehn!!!.
Abi you never hear of Synagogue? Haba where you dey since now? Okay make i give you small gist.
From what i heard…I never go the shoosh before o. Na just gist. But from what i heard the guy na one kain Fake Pastor like that that uses demonic powers to work some kain Miracles like that. I heard that when the Nigerian International Daniel Amokachi had a career threatning leg injury na the shoosh wey e go be that. One year and all his $avings later, his situation was still the same. Actually he was worse off ’cause brother was as broke as a plate.
Then i heard that Women from all over the country looking for “fruit of the womb” throng the place and he gives them one white handkerchief like that to take home and put the handkerchief under your pillow. Then, at 2a.m when the sleep dey sweet you well well, the Pastor’s Spirit will now enter the handkerchief and creep out of the pillow and jump on the woman. Imagine all the thousands of Women for the guy shoosh. No wonder the guy is that skinny.lol.
I also heard the Spirit also has a penchant for giving head o. So the Women keep praying for a re-visit. hehehe. Wetin? Abeg no ask me stupid question i no remember who tell me the gist. If you no beleive me na you sabi. Abi you sef need “visitation”. Shio. E dey your body.
Wetin i dey talk sef? Okayee, that’s how my Oyinbo Blond hair blue eye “aryan” Oga dey go the Synagogue shoosh o. I no know wetin dey pursue am sef. It’s so bad that he even has several stickers on his Car. The dude na card carrying member. The popular gist is that he’s trying to secure his job to stay in Nija because the guy dey gbadun this place seriously.All those skinny lepa shandy girls, plus living like a King. No be my opinion sha o. Make you no go Koba me. Na wetin i hear i dey talk o. Anyway as the man was shouting that morning i just dey look say if i woz you slap ehn? no be only stars you go dey see sef. Na Handkerchief go dey fly for your office. Raasclaat.
So come see me see Wahala o. After having days like that at work, i’m stressed out, i get home and i can not eat food inside my very house because i’m scared of the food. See me see Wahala o. I mean there’s enough food in my Freezer to last Mr.Joseph and the Egyptians 7 years of Famine. Name it, different Orishirishi Soup from Efo riro with meat calling Shaki. And Shaki hollering at rounabout and roundabout whistling at Bokoto meanwhile Bokoto is chancing the smaller fried snails for inside the same pot o. And that’s just for Starters. There’s fried Chicken stew, Fresh fish stew, beef stew, Asaro, beans, Several tubs of Ice-Cream, orishirishi like that sha. Me sef i like food small. But fear dey catch me to even go near all that food. Lately i’ve been buying take-out from all the Reataurants on the Island and peeps who know me know i don’t dig that shit. Na the condition wey Bukky carry me put be that o. First point of action was to get my spare keys from her. I was trying to stop “unrestricted access” to my crib. So i was now thinking of a way to get my keys off her without turning it into world war 3. Omo, i tire o. Shebi you go ask me why i come give am my keys in the first place? That’s how i come dey rack my brain o to find solution to my problem. At the end of the day, i just decided to ask her for my keys outrightly. So having come to that conclusion, i went upstairs to meet her.
Meanwhile she has been acting one kain, one kain like that. She usually comes on Fridays then she leaves on sunday night. This one ehn, she just glue herself for my house o she no go anywhere. If she goes to work she comes back straight to my house. Shebi she get spare keys. So that’s how she was sitted comfortably, watching one of those Celebrity shows i think on E enterainment or something like that, and sipping my Hennessy. so i said Bukky can i please have my keys? She just turn her head look me, turn back to Jessica Simpson. It was like i wasn’t even there, like i didn’t even say a word. So i said Olubukola, I just asked you a question (I was gradually raising my voice) Can i have my keys? Omo, she just look me up and down like that and said “sorry you can’t have your keys at least until i’m ready to give it back to you”.
Mehn, see the attitude. No be only mouth she take talk am o. Na plus eyelashes wey dey go up and down… Nija style, and eyes wey dey roll, and that “speak to the hand” thingy chicks are so fond of. I was like “she o mu oti yo ni? (are you drunk?).
I come begin rake dey shout seriously. “It’s my house i work hard for everything own and you can not sit here and refuse to give me my keys, i demand, …i this,… i that,… Igba, …awo. She no even answer me. Infact when my voice dey rise sef na so she dey increase volume for the remote control.
My people, i come tire. Me? before before wey be say before i talk one thing like this ehn, she go don jump three times. This same Bukky is now looking at me like Isi-Ewu. Me Baba Alaye mehn i don suffer.
That’s how i just quickly accessed the situation ikpe, It didn’t look like i was gonna win this round. So i just shouted Bukky you are trying me o!!! You are trying me o!!! i’m going out, and before i come back to this house, you had better have my keys ready because what i’ll do to you ehn and shey you know me now? If i display for you igba, awo. Yadda yadda.
That’s how i grabbed my Car Keys and was about storming out. She just turned and said in this very eerie calm way she speaks sometimes that “you’re not going anywhere You better sit down and don’t waste your time.” I just stormed out of her presence and i could hear her say “don’t slam the door”. For where? If i no slam door how you go no say i dey vex now? That’s one habit that all the punishment never correct since i was small. ….Slamming doors. My favorite past time. So, why you come dey squeeze face now? At least me i don talk my bad habit. Wetin be your own? Aunty na me Sabi.
So sha, i got downstairs, got in my car, make i go watch football for one sport bar in my neighbourhood as pe tennant don evict landlord for house now. That’s how my moto no start o. I cranked it up again omo, nothing. The Ignition was dead. I just hissed, and made a mental note to myself ikpe, i was gonna have my Driver’s head on a cheap plastic plate by tommorrow morning ’cause that was my official car. And anyway sha i’ve never been a fan of any Automobile not made by Germans. So i got back inside and took the Keys to the other Car.
I swear my moto no start o. Brand new Car. This Whip is less than 9 months old. The Same thing that happened to the other Car, but this time, my “Marvel on the road” “Superior Bavarian Engineering” at it’s best wouldn’t start up. I was gobsmacked. This has never i mean NEVER happened. My people na that time cold come dey catch me say “this one no be Oju lasan”. I decided to open the bonnet but there was no point ’cause the whole thing was sealed anyway. It wasn’t made to be tinkered with at will except for an oil change and stuff every couple of thousand miles. Well how man for do?
Your homeboy just simply shuffled back into the house with his tail between his legs. I just went upstairs jejely, got on the Bed and closed my eyes. I couldn’t even watch footie. For where? Champions league ko? Champions league ni. This one wey for my very domot i don get yellow card. Sha, she walks in an hour later and goes “are you back”? “Shey o lo mo ni”? (Aren’t you going again”?) i no even answer. As if say she no know say my Moto(s) no gree start. I was too bewildered by the whole situation to even shout. Abi wetin shouting go do for this matter now? She then announced that “well sha if you want to eat, dinner is served downstairs”. Rice and Curry Sauce.
Me!! Me!! She dey tell me dinner is served. Do i have a stupid face? I mean do i really look that daft? After Last week’s Egusi soup ended up in the Trash. Reasons still unknown. (Although i have my strong suspicions). And all the other orishirishi deep coded talk she has been talking recently. Now last night make i comot for house my moto no start. She come say make i chop. Na she go chop the food no be me. Tufiakwa.
Although i was so hungry last night, i just couldn’t risk eating anything. So i went to bed hungry. I’m back in the office now this Morning. I’ve just sent my Driver to Cactus to get me a Sandwich. This will be the only thing i’ve eaten since breakfast yesterday. It’s beginning to frustrate me this.
My ears are still ringing with what she said last week that if i don’t marry her i can’t marry any other girl. Mehn, See as one Otorompe girl dey throw threats at me just anyhow. Make una warn am o!!! If i begin fasting and prayer session for am ehn? She go hear am. I’ve always said i didn’t have her time yet. But this one wey i no fit chop for my own house ehn? Na war o. Meanwhile both cars started effortlessly this morning. Hmmm!!!!
My people this one pass me o. Wetin i go do? Please help your boy. I’m open to ideas.
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